Heartbreaking

I'm sitting here, on this beautiful Thursday afternoon, and I can't stop thinking about the sadness overtaking my heart. I'm attempting to do a study guide for geology, but for some reason I can't seem to focus on amino acids when my hometown is in so much pain. Sunday night was a shock, and it blinded so many people. Today is insanely hard, he'd be 19 today. How could someone so young do this? And someone who seemed so happy? But that is the mystery of life and we will never know the answers to the numerous questions that are now forever running through our minds.

I won't pretend that I knew Zach that well, or was even really ever friends with him. But I knew him to an extent, and the more I think about it, the more little memories flood back to me, making me more and more sad with each one. He was a light in everyone's life. I don't know a single person with a bad thing to say about him. His family adored him. My heart breaks for the Grillo family. I can't imagine they're pain. To think that the pain I feel is only a percent of what they feel is terrifying.

I wish I could be there tonight and tomorrow, if only to be a strength for the ones who are in so much pain. But I'm doing what I can from here, and am keeping everyone in my prayers. My heart goes out to the Grillo's and I'm constantly thinking about them.

If nothing else can be taken from this tragedy, let us all remember how precious life is. And just because someone says they're okay, doesn't mean that they are. Treasure those close to you, and never forget what they mean to you. It's never too late to say, "I love you," and you can never say it too many times. My heart goes out to everyone at home, I'm thinking of you.

"Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

Letter 8

Day 8 – An Internet Friend

I’m skipping this letter, because I don’t really have an internet friend. That seems like a bit of a blast from the past. So on that note, have a great weekend!

Letter 7

Day 7 – Your Ex-Boyfriend

Dear Matt,
Thank you for everything that you have taught me and everything we’ve been through. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve even spoken, but I learned a lot from you. I learned how far I could be pushed before I broke. I learned how low I could go before it was possible to turn back around and pick myself up. I learned how strong I could be and how to stand up for myself. You gave me good memories and you gave me some bad ones. You taught me who I want to be in a relationship. You taught me what to look for, and what not to look for. You taught me about broken promises and empty words. But you taught me what love is, and for that, I am forever grateful. I have no regrets when it comes to us, and it was a long time ago. The past is done, and I no longer dwell in it. I can smile when I think back to the memories of it, but I can also cringe. I lost myself because of you, but I also found myself. You forced me to look inside myself and discover who it is that I want to be. It was a long climb to get to where I am now, but I wouldn’t do it any differently. No matter what, thanks for the memories.

Letter 6

Day 6 – A Stranger

Dear Stranger,
I hope that life is going well for you. And I hope that you are happy. Life is too short not to be happy. It’s also too short to waste time doing something you don’t love or truly enjoy. I hope you can find what you desire in life, and you can accomplish all your dreams. Always be realistic in what you reach for though, because if you’re not, you are sure to be disappointed if you fail. Always remember that 95% of things in life are fixable, so don’t sweat the little things. As they say, “there’s no use crying over spilled milk.” Never forget that tomorrow is a new day, and you have the power to make it into anything that you want it to be. You are in control of your own happiness, and you control your life. So make something of it.

Letter 5

Day 5 – Your Dreams

Dear Dreams,
I have two sets of dreams. The first are my life dreams. They are with me everywhere I go, every step of my day. They push me to go farther than I thought imaginable, whether it’s with school or in life. I hope I can accomplish everything you want me to, and I hope I’m able to fulfill them all. I know that they are ever changing, but I’ll do my best to keep up with them.
As for my nightly dreams, or terrors, good gracious, I wish I understood them. Every night they are crazier than the last. I have the most bizarre dreams and I always remember them so vividly. I wish I knew why. Or even what they mean. I sure as hell don’t understand them. Between the two dreams of a second Holocaust, having to get my brain scanned for lung cancer, & the end of the world yet floating by the sun, I have no idea what’s going on in my head. The people who make appearances are almost always important in my everyday life. I doubt I’ll ever understand them…

Letter 4

Day 4 – Your Sibling

Dear Sister,
I love you. I know life seems to be tough lately, but it’s just because you’re trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. You are close approaching the time when life says “hey, time to make a decision, so what is it?” and you’re just not ready to make that next step, which is more than okay. Life shouldn’t be set down in steps like it seems to be these days, but I know you’ll do what’s right, even if you stumble along the way. I know the decision of where to go for the next step is frustrating but I need you to understand something. No matter where you go, you will make great new friends, as well as a great life. You have that kind of personality, the one that just pulls people to you. You are so funny and giggly. When you’re happy, people want to be with you. Nobody can make me life the way you do. You have so many opportunities ahead of you. You need to embrace that and expand. Go somewhere new, make a mistake, have a new adventure. You can go anywhere in the world right now, as they say: the world is your oyster… or something like that. Maybe Boston is the place for you, and only time will tell, but don’t be afraid to branch out. There are so many amazing places you could end up, and so many choices to look at. So truly explore and figure out where life’s next adventure is located for you. And remember that no matter where you end up, you’ll make it work. You’ll make brand new friends that are better than the last, and you’ll make brand new memories to last you a lifetime. Lastly, know that whatever your decision is, I am here by your side every step of the way. I would never desert you or let you down, and I will always support you. Love you.

Letter 3

Day Three – Your Parents

Dear Mom,
I know that we’ve been through a lot over the years, but what mother-daughter duo hasn’t? You’ve been a stronghold in my life throughout it all, and I am forever grateful for everything you do. I know it doesn’t always seem that way, but you should know it’s always true. Coming home this summer was going to be an adjustment for us both, but I think we’ve both done a great job of handling it. I am honestly going to miss being home when I’m at school, but I know we’ll have a great time whenever you come visit like we have every other time. I am who I am because of you, and I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished in the past couple of years. Thank you for making me who I am today, and know that as I get older, we will only get closer. I love you.

Dear Dad,
I think I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, but not to the extent that kids are these days. I’ve always loved spending time with you and playing games. I remember playing that mastermind game all the time when I was little. That was always such a good time. Or when I used to make you come meet me halfway when I was walking home from Kelsey’s, which was literally only 7 houses down the street. But you always came and met me, and we would walk back together and I would babble about the nonsense that only a ten year old girl babbles about. Even though I don’t see you as much or spend as much time with you as I used to, I still love it when I get a chance to. You’ve given me so much throughout my life, and just like I told Mom, I am who I am because of you. Thank you for everything that you’ve done and continue to do in my life. I love you.

Letter 2

Day 2 – Your Crush

Dear Crush,
I couldn’t tell you how you felt about me if you paid me a million dollars. I know we’re friends though, and our friendship means a lot to me. You’re always smiling and always in a good mood. Even though we haven’t known each other that long, talking to you always makes me happy. You’re a character and always joking. I never have to be serious with you and you usually know the right things to say. I hope that one day, you’ll return the feeling, but at the same time, your friendship is enough. You’re just a crush, and that doesn’t carry much weight with it. Its lighthearted and its fun. My mind likes to explore possibilities, but knowing I have your friendship is enough for me. I look forward to seeing you again and I wonder where life will take us.

Daily Letters

I came across an interesting idea while browsing online. It gave me a list of 30 or so people, all anonymous, such as a friend, a brother, a soldier, etc. The idea is to write one letter a day. So I'm going to attempt to do that. Here's my first one.

Day 1 – Your Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,
You know who you are. In fact, you know who you all are. I love each and every one of you with all of my heart. You bring something special to the table and enhance my life in more ways than I would ever even be able to articulate. When I’m feeling sad, someone is there with a laugh. If I’m feeling stupid, someone is there to assure me that yes, I am stupid, but hey – it’s really not that big of a deal. Everybody has a best friend, and it would be cliché to say that nobody’s friends are as good as mine, but I’m saying it right here, right now, my friends are the best. Even if we just want to sit around our rooms and pig out on junk food it’s still a guaranteed good time. Going into any of their houses and feeling like another child to their family is a feeling that everyone should experience at some point in their lives. Friends are what get you through life. No matter what else you have, if you have friends, you have everything. And no, I don’t mean just the friend who you say hello to when you pass them on the street. I’m talking about the annoying, wonderful, hilarious, obnoxious, stupid, goofy, loving, intelligent, caring best friends that everyone deserves in their life. So to each and every one of you, don’t take them for granted. Appreciate them for all that they are worth and love them always.

Favorite Quote

“So I was never big on advice. But I have learned one thing for sure. One thing. So listen to me because this is important.”
“Okay.”
“The most important decision you’ll ever make is who you marry,” Dad said. “You can take every other decision you’ll ever make, add them together, and it still won’t be as important as that one. Suppose you choose the wrong job, for example. With the right wife, that’s not a problem. She’ll encourage you to make a change, cheer you on no matter what. You understand?”
“Yes.”
“Remember that, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You have to love her more than anything in the world. But she has to love you just as much. Your priority should be her happiness, and her priority should be yours. That’s a funny thing – caring about someone more than yourself. It’s not easy. So don’t look at her as just a sexual object or as just a friend to talk to. Picture every day with the person. Picture paying bills with that person, raising children with that person, being stuck in a hot room with no air-conditioning and a screaming baby with that person. Am I making sense?”
“Yes,” Myron smiled and folded his hands on the table. “Is that how it is with you and Mom? Is she all those things to you?”
“All those things,” Dad agreed, “plus a pain in the tuchus.”

BY: Harlan Coben, found in the book: The Final Detail

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I loved this quote today when I read it. To me, a complete love junkie, this epitomized a few thoughts of mine. I won't say anything else about it.

Laughter

This is my latest speech for public speaking. We had to write a persuasive speech and my choice was "laughter is the best medicine." I'm going to put my speech on here. I had a powerpoint of pictures of people smiling and laughing with random quotes. You're most likely in at least one of these pictures if we're friends. The last like minute of pictures, starting with the prom ones, I added in this afternoon just for the video. I also added the music when I made it into a movie. At the very least, watch the video. It's enjoyable!

So imagine you’re lying in bed, sick as a dog. You’ve already woken up at that dreaded hour of 8:30 to call health services and make an appointment. You’ve fallen back asleep and woken up in time to drag yourself there. We all know how horrible that walk is when you’re sick. You sign in and sit on the black and red couch and think to yourself how much you hate your life right now. They finally call you back after waiting for thirty minutes when all you can think about is how much your head is pounding or how it feels like a knife is stabbing your tLhroat constantly. The nurse does your basic check up and then leaves you to wallow in your misery while you wait another thirty minutes for the actual doctor to come in. She finally does and is in there for literally five minutes. She gives you a diagnoses and a prescription to fill and sends you on your way. You go fill it at the drug store and finally, after at least an hour, if not more, make it back to your comfy bed. You take your medicine and attempt to sleep, while waiting for the medicine to finally kick in. Then, your best friend, who also happens to live with you, busts in your room right as you’re on the verge of falling asleep. She, or he, tells you they’re sorry for waking you up, but they have got to tell you a story. They’re already laughing and they haven’t even started talking yet, so you’re hoping it’s going to be good because gosh darn it, they just woke you up! After taking a couple of deep breaths, they tell you the whole story. It only takes a good seven minutes longer than it should because they had to get through the laughing, but hey – it was worth it. You are now laughing along and can’t breathe from all the laughter either. You have momentarily forgotten about your sickness and all your pain. You have forgotten how upset you were with your prognosis for the moment. No matter what else is wrong with anything, for this one moment you are happy. You are laughing with someone you love and enjoying life. Antibiotics are probably the best physiological cure at the end of the day but that doesn’t stop me from firmly believing that laughter is the best medicine.

Laughter is not a physiological cure for anything. It does not get rid of your cough and it does not cure cancer. It is not able to help heal your broken leg and it doesn’t kill your fever. Antibiotics are the only things that can truly take away an illness. That is a fact that cannot be changed. But why does it have to take so long to kick in? Why do you have to take an antibiotic and not even feel recovered for another week? Or with terminal diseases, you can get sick and there is no cure. Medicine can do nothing to cure it; only delay it. It doesn’t take you away from reality the way that laughter does. A good joke in a stressful situation is easing to the mind. So even though medicine is the true cure, laughter is the ultimate one.

I am not the only one who believes that laughter is the best medicine. Norman Cousins who is quoted in an article by Jaak Panksepp says, “ten minutes of genuine belly laughter has an anesthetic effect.” Rod A. Martin lists four different mechanisms that laughter helps with. The first states that vigorous laughter helps with various systems in your body, such as muscle relaxation and stimulating circulation. The second talks about putting you into an emotional state. The third is about how it might benefit you indirectly because it affects stress. And the fourth and final is how it can benefit you indirectly by increasing one’s level of social support. People are drawn to humor and friends help you through tough times. L. Alan Sroufe and Jane Piccard Wunsch talk about the affect laughter has on infants and the importance of laughter in childhood. They state how “laughter may provide a rich source of information concerning cognitive and emotional development in infancy.” Seeing as some medical professionals see that laughter is the best medicine, I can do nothing else but agree with them.

Let’s say you have been with your boyfriend or girlfriend for a glorious two years. It’s been the best two years of your life you would say. You’ve had a great time and enjoyed all the ups, and even some of the downs. You know that without them you have nothing and you need the downs to appreciate the ups. And then they dump you; out of nowhere. You don’t know how to react and you don’t know what to do. You feel the pain coursing through your body and you didn’t even know something this excruciating was possible. But you push through day by day, and you learn to smile and laugh again. And it’s all because of that one person. That one friend who is there talking you through it and helping you cope. They are there to give you that smile that you need to get through life; to provide a laugh for you when you need it the most. For that one second you feel okay and you feel you can make it through the pain. They have provided you with an escape from this overwhelming pain. You accept it wholeheartedly and embrace it. In that moment, you are more thankful for that friend than you ever thought you could be. They have freed you from the chains of sadness and lifted your heart to help you soar, even if it is only for a minute. All your friend has to do is smile and laugh and you will be okay. Laughter’s contagious, right?

Or here’s one last example: You’re skiing with your best friends. You’re going down the slopes and you feel like you’re flying. You’re on cloud nine and you feel like an all-star. And then you lean too far forward and the next thing you know you’re tumbling down the slopes head over heels. And then there’s that dreaded tree stump and you crash into it and you hear the crack. The pain comes coursing through immediately and you scream. This pain is something new, you think to yourself. Your friend comes skiing up to you as fast as they can, having seen the whole thing. They’re cracking up thinking that you simply tripped over your own two feet, typical right? They realize what happens as soon as they get there though and are terrified. They have no idea what to do. I know that if I’m your friend than I’m freaking out. I’m terrible in emergencies. And then you, being the brave soul that you are, crack a joke about how you’re surprised there was no avalanche following you down the slope. Being in the delirious state that you are, that joke is hilarious, and soon your friend is cracking up too. You guys both are relaxed for the moment. You have blocked out the pain for a second and your friend has calmed their racing heart. You are united in this moment of laughter, of shared happiness. Another shot of pain and you remind your friend of the trouble. This time though, they are prepared. They whip out their cell phone and hit the numbers “9-1-1.” Because of your laughter and jokes, they have relaxed and reminded themselves to breathe.

In conclusion, laughter is the cure-all to all ailments. No matter what else you can say about it, it does one important thing: it is an escape. It takes you away from a moment. It takes you away from the pain, sadness, unhappiness, or even awkwardness of a situation and transports you to somewhere more lighthearted. It puts you in a world where it’s okay to just relax and breathe. Laughter helps you remember that life is short and you only get to live once. Don’t stress over something that won’t matter in a week. As Mark Twain once said, “The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.” So remember that next time you’re feeling upset or sick, or it may even help the next time you’re stressing out over that speech due at eight am the next morning. And with that, I’m going to leave you with the dumbest most pathetic joke I know written by myself in seventh grade. So remember that I wrote it in seventh grade when you judge me. Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Uganda. (Uganda who?) Uganda the store lately?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qliIGKZ0_dE

Give it time if its not fully updated yet.. it should be loaded by the end of the night.

Press Play

This is something I wrote in the beginning of the year ... I don't mean it to be reminiscent in a broken-hearted way.. this all happened a long time ago and I'm a different person than I was then. I think its an interesting take on a large part of my life though...

Us being together is a total blur. I can't even remember it anymore. I wish I did sometimes, not for sentimental reasons, but because it was such a big part of my life. I can picture us together, I can see my favorite memories with you play through my head over and over again. But its like watching a movie. I don't know the people on the screen and I can't feel their happiness anymore. It was another time and its one that crosses my mind less and less with every passing day. I see the way she looks up at the boy like he was her whole world. I can tell by the boy's body language which stage in their relationship they're at. In the beginning he is facing toward her. You can tell in his eyes that he's happy. It switches to another scene. They are lying together on a couch with his mom and dad on the adjacent loveseat. She is wrapped safe in his arms and they are all laughing and watching television together. If I were to talk to this girl she would tell me how her dreams had come true and she couldn't ask for anyone better. The boy would tell me how amazing and special he thought the girl was. All seemed to be well and comfortable between the two. We could fast forward a couple months and still the same scene. The girl would still be happy, but the boy seems weary. But not for long - with one change in scenery, the boy is happier than he's ever been. The girl is flying on cloud 9. The two are happy together. They see no way this love could ever end. I wish I could pause the video and pull the girl aside. I want to warn her of how badly she will be hurt in the end. How badly she will be torn apart. She will have to lose her friends beforehand. Then she'll lose him. Then she'll lose the only one that gave her the strength to get up in the morning. Lastly, she'll lose herself. She'll lose everything she was and begin on a new journey to find herself. I'd like to warn the boy to think long and hard about leaving her. He will regret it and not be able to do anything to take it back. I wish I could pause it and let them go on living this happy life they think they're leading. But instead, I press play; I let the movie go on. I watch it all slowly unwind and in the very end I watch the screen split in two as they break apart. They are both broken and unaware of how to go on with their lives. The boy inflicts more pain on the girl than seemed physically possible by leaving her completely. There's nothing left for this girl; she's broken. But then I fast forward. I watch her slowly rebuild herself. Its unlike anything I've ever seen before. She becomes a new person with a new appreciation of life. She overcomes something she thought she 100% couldn't. I press stop and leave the room. I let her continue to live her life. I know she can do it without my invisible guidance now. She is stronger now than ever before because as they say - what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Swinging

In my English class last semester, we had to write a paper on something that we believe in. It was the first paper we wrote. We had to post them to the website "thisibelieve.org." There are a lot of really interesting essays on here and mine just got published to it yesterday. I wrote this in August of last year, at a time when I had just ended things with someone who meant a lot to me. Parts may be a little overexxagerated, but its true for the most part. Hope you enjoy!

Who doesn’t have a fond memory of swinging at the park? Perhaps your father pushed you or maybe you were always a solo-swinger. Either way you know the joys of the breeze against your face and the way your hair blows all over the place when you swing back. You know the method of pumping to pull yourself higher and higher into the sky; you know the feeling of flying. Playgrounds, and ultimately swings, are a symbol of childhood and most people outgrow it. You outgrow it because you believe you must grow up, although that is not always the case. Swinging, I believe, is one of the simple pleasures of life and there is no reason to ever outgrow something as wonderful as a swing.

For me, swings hold more memories that last into my late teenage years. “The Swings,” as we referred to them, represent a classic summer romance with a boy who will forever be on my mind. We would meet numerous times a week at the swings behind his house. Sometimes it would be with multiple friends, other times it would just be the two of us. Deep conversations about life and love occurred there, along with easier conversations about the pointless drama of high school. Swinging alternated between competitions to see who could get the highest and just lazily letting the swing take us where it wanted. The Swings will always hold a piece of my heart, and for more than its childish pleasures.

The Swings represent the beginning, middle, and end for this summer love of mine. I guess you could even say our love was like that of a swing. The beginning took a little bit of a push to get into and to truly enjoy, but once it got going, there was no stopping it. We were flying high in both the metaphorical sense and the literal. Together, we were having fun and exploring the parameters of young love. In the end it was a little bit like slowing down and then abruptly jumping off. We knew the end was coming, because school was quickly approaching. We were able to slow down a little, but not without dragging our feet along the ground. And then, it was as if we had jumped off when we were only halfway slowed. It was over before we knew it and there was nothing we could do to stop it. We left our summer and our love sitting at the swings when the time was right.

Through everything the swings and I have been through, nothing will ever stop me from enjoying them. It is possible that they represent more for me than they might for you. For me, they represent a childhood full of memories and an adolescence full of even more. Swings will forever be able to take me back to any time and any memory I choose. I believe that you are never too old for a good swing.

Saved by the bell...

You know the feeling you get when you almost drop something that shouldn't be dropped? Or when you narrowly miss the mailbox you are driving by on the road because you weren't paying attention? Or being saved by the bell, literally?

I think that we, as human beings, live for these feelings. These feelings make us feel alive, truly alive. I personally hate that feeling, but when I stop to think about it, I realize why I felt that. Because I was saved and my eyes were opened. I could have caught that special something, inches before it hit the ground. Or I could have swerved away at the very last possible second. Or I could have been saved from reading some embarrassing paper, by that life-saving bell. By this little event, we realize that things are precious. Everything in life is precious; from our friendships to the technology we rely on. Everything in this world can be broken in a second, maybe less. These little moments, where something horrific turns its outcome, Life shows us how priceless everything truly is. You learn not to take things for granted.

Also, these things could have that flip outcome. The invaluable vase of your great-great-grandmother's could drop and shatter. You could smash into that mailbox. You could have to read your speech to the class. In those moments, when you start realizing the one thing that you didn't want to happen - is happening, you embrace the pain. You take it for what it is, and let it settle. You learn from these moments where everything around you is crashing down. You learn that you, and you alone, are strong enough to put the person that matters most back together - you. Everyone that you need is there to help you along the way, sort of like a whole bunch of training wheels that fall off as you ride along until you are all by yourself, doing the unthinkable. It may take a few seconds, or it could take months, maybe even years. But each and every person out there has the strength to do that. To take what they have, and make it into the most extraordinary thing it can be.

Everything around you can change in a matter of mere seconds. All that matters is what you make of it.